Skippy Podar: "A Man For All Seasonings"
On this particular birthday (#45) I will turn exactly 540 months old (16,437 days days old).
- 1,420,156,800 seconds
- 23,669,280 minutes
- 394,488 hours
- 2348 weeks (rounded down)
You know how I know? Check out this webpage (http://www.timeanddate.com/date/duration.html)!
And by the way, I'll 20,000 days old on Saturday, May 28, 2022 at 11:04:00 AM
Anywho, back in 2003, the University of Florida (where I used to work) celebrated its sesquicentenial (150 years)
, so they decided to give the celebration a theme. "Honoring the Past, Shaping the Future"
So, in keeping with that, I've decided to theme my Birthdays.
"Celebrating the completion of my 44th orbit of the Sun!"
10th Birthday was "Stop Picking On Me!"
14th Birthday was "Will You Be My Friend?"
16th Birthday was "Yes!! I Have A Car!! NOW Will You Be My Friend?"
17th Birthday was "Kill all humans! Must kill all humans!"
18th Birthday was "Bite me! It's Fun!"
21st Birthday was "Can I Have That Alcohol "To Go", please?"
23rd Birthday was "Woo-HOO! I finally have chest hair!"
30th Birthday was "Oh God... not again!"
33rd Birthday was "Please... make it stop!"
35th Birthday was "Ouch! My Hip!"
36th Birthday was "18 Years of Trauma, 18 Years of Therapy!"
37th birthday was "Is my hip supposed to go "clickety-clack-clickety-clack" when I walk?"
38th birthday: "Survey says?! *ding-ding-ding* Woo-HOO! We have a winner!"
39th birthday: "Wow! I can see my house from here!"
40th birthday: "Ah... so this is what the other side of the hill looks like!"
41st birthday: "This is the day the LORD has made! Let us rejoice and be glad!"
50th Birthday: "$9.95 for Geritol?! This is an outrage! I demand to talk to the manager! "
60th birthday: "Dang it! I just blew out another hip! Thank God Medicare will kick in in 5 years. Oh wait... what Medicare?!"
81st birthday: "Hey! It's 18 backwards!"
85th birthday: "In case of a water landing, your seat can be used as a flotation device."
90th birthday: "Please stand clear of the doors. Por favor mantenganse alejado de las puertas!"
92nd birthday: "You know... Halley's Comet looked better the last time."
95th birthday: "Finally! Now I can ride Interstate 95 for Free!!!"
102nd birthday: "37,256 days old and I still haven't used any Calculus!"
105th birthday: "Ain't no stoppin' me now! Note to me: Wheelchair needs new brakes."
110th birthday: "Z-z-z-z-z... FOOTBALL PRACTICE!"
It all started with a 400 milliwatt x-ray emitter and a black man with a dream. The year was 1967, and a world weary from the second World War looked desperately to the skies for someone to deliver them from their bitter bondage. That someone... was Me.
Below I will attempt to chronicle in as few words as possible the grandeur that is Skippy Podar. So, allow yourself to drink in the magic, embrace the passion and ultimately run screaming in terror from the horrifyingly magnificent splendour that is... Me.
My Childhood: "Nil Sine Numine"
I was born in Denver, Colorado on August 25th, 1967. I was a frail child, weighing only 3 lbs. 8 ounces at birth. Ah...but be not fooled by My diminuitive size. I was a formidable adversary, even while in the incubator.
Many people don't know this, but originally My name was Nosferatu Anthraxis Podar. Unfortunately, it was too difficult for the hospital workers to pronounce, so We decided to change My name to "Skippy".
Colorado was a peaceful place. The Empire kept its citizens happy by depriving them of oxygen. Denver, the capital city, was rumored to have been built a whole mile (5820 feet) above sea-level. This rendered most of the attacking hordes of tourists short of breath. The Imperial motto was "Nil Sine Numine" (pronounced nil see-nay nu-min-ay), which translated means "Nothing Without The Diety". 3 out of 5 historians agree that the adoption of this motto heralded My arrival and ultimate conquest of Earth. The other 2 historians could not be reached for comment and are presumed incarcerated.
Anyway, shortly after My birth I was forced into exile. The then reigning Emperor of Colorado (whom most people refer to as "The Governor") had been forwarned of the birth of civilization's emancipator (i.e. Me), and ordered his troops to seek out all newborns at Rose Medical Center and have them quarantined until further notice. Therefore, much to the dismay of My parents, I thought it would be best if we fled. So I instructed them to take us to Miami, FL where we could lay low until the "appointed time". And, as a symbol of our defiance, we absconded with a hip bone from the treasured Imperial Fossil, the mighty stegosaurus! I found the stegosaurus to be a fitting mascot for our "exodus" as the people we encountered along the way had a surprising thing in common with the stegosaurus. Despite their immense size, they all had brains that weighed 2 ounces.
Growing up in Miami: 1968 - 1988
I spent the first 20 years of My exile in Miami, FL. A tiny little town with a little over 1 million inhabitants. We were a small community, but ripe, tender and ready for exploitation! My arrival in Miami was a joyous celebration for its citizens. Not since the arrival of Henry Flagler was the promise of hope and prosperity so evident among the peoples of this wretched little hamlin. The only thing that has since surpassed My arrival celebration was Gloria Estefan's "Shake-It-'Til-The-Neighbors-Stare-At-Ya" concert & pancake breakfast. Unfortunately, times were not always joyous. After several failed assassination attempts by My homeroom teacher when I was 10 and a hostile takeover of My corporation's Caribbean branch when I was 18, I found it again necessary to retreat into exile. I bid My parents farewell and planned My 2nd exodus. This time however, I would take a band of followers with me. Our goal... global conquest.
Exodus II: The Great Migration to Gainesville
The time of reckoning was soon at hand, and a small band of followers began their lonely trek with Me to the "Towne of Hogge". Upon finding suitable places to dwell, we covertly met to organize My ultimate conquest of Earth. In 1988, the citizens of Gainesville, Florida welcomed Me as their newest citizen. Over 90,000 well wishers (most of whom were squirrels) gathered in Ben Hill Griffin Stadium to greet me. I soon found that squirrels far outnumber people in this bustling metropolis.
This feature made the establishment of My "seat of power" much simpler. Squirrels have a hidden ability to read men's minds and influence their actions; a skill that became quite an asset during the "Dark Time". From 1992 until 2007, I worked for an organization called CIRCA. During this time I assisted literally thousands of the University's faculty, students and staff in discovering new and innovative ways to do the same old stuff they always did.
I took up residence in several small dwellings before I decided to build My mansion (which happens to closely resemble the University of Florida's Brain Institute).
Chez Podaria, the name I gave to My estate, covers an impressive 400 acres just outside Gainesville, FL. With over 400 bedrooms, 15 kitchens, 7 dozen bathrooms, 3 rumpus rooms and a cavernous 27-car garage, Chez Podaria is the most lavish residence south of Lake City, FL.
Tours of the grounds are offered daily between the hours of 9:00 AM - 4:00 PM. For special events such as weddings and Bar Mitzvahs, please call in advance. Our receptionist will gladly set up an appointment for you and your guests in our famous "Tubenburble Memorial Atrium".
The "Dark Time"
Ah... then came the "Dark Time". Before every Renaissance comes a period of cleansing. The Diamond Age of Enlightenment (formerly known as the New World Order) was no different. After months of preparation, we finally amassed the tools needed for global conquest.
The date was July 4th... and to most people it all seemed so innocent. Fleets of large ships hovering over Earth's major cities. Who would've guessed that humanity was on the brink of liberation?
Oh, they tried to resist Me. They attempted to prevent My rise to power, but alas, nothing could stop My operatives from initiating the "cleansing fire".
The Diamond Age of Enlightenment
It took several months, but finally everything fell into place. Once My legions of squirrels took control of the satellite communications network, resistance to My will became... for lack of a better term... futile.
By sending an oscillating subsonic frequency through the global cellular telephone network, countless millions of Earth people were reduced to quivering masses of protoplasm, eager to be led by Me. The Diamond Age of Enlightenment was a blessed time for all involved.
"Peace" was in every pot and "Prosperity" was in every garage. Once the citizens of Earth realized that they needed to be led by Me, everything went quite smoothly.